Harry Potter and Jesus Vs The Mary Sue Army
by VinylApproach
Summary: It's seventh year and things are bad, real bad. Will Harry and his new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher be able to save the world from the manifestation of adolescent fantasies? Read, review and enjoy! BEHOLD CHAPTER 3!
1. Chapter 1

**A\N**: Enjoy!

Harry sighed as he sat in Defense against the Dark Arts. Life was relatively bad right now. There was war, divided sides, and the author was lazy when it came to introductions.

He looked at the instructor's desk; it was a rather unusual setup. There weren't any quills, just a large stack of parchment weighed down with a heavy stone tablet. The only other thing on the desk was a large box covered in a blanket. He was wondering what it contained when suddenly, the door opened. Harry was curious as to who the new professor was.

The teacher was wearing a white suit with gold chains dangling down. He had a beard, long hair, and expensive sunglasses.

"Good day, I'm Professor Christ, your new Defense against the Dark arts teacher." He gave a grin and flung his sunglasses down on his desk with force, breaking the 500$ lenses.

"Oops" he said, still grinning. "Guess I'll just have to… FIX IT!" He put his hand over the sunglasses, and without a wand, repaired them to perfect condition instantly. The class watched with awe.

"Anyway, yes, I'm, Professor Christ, but most you can just call me, 'Jay'." He pointed at the class with both his hands and snapped his fingers.

"Now, instead of doing all this fancy introduction stuff that you kids are into nowadays, I thought I'd cut to the chase. Anyway, you've all read my book, haven't you?" Jesus asked.

"Err… The Bible?", stuttered Ron.

"No, the Da Vinci Code!" he shouted mockingly. "Yeah, what he said. Now, time to get down to business."

Jesus kicked off his Gucci leather shoes and put his feet up on the desk. "Oh, I forgot." He started standing up again. "Did everyone wash their feet before they came in?" He pointed at a basin of soap water near the door. The class looked puzzled. None of them had washed their feet.

"You didn't?" said Jesus as he read their minds. "Well kids, that's what I like to call BLASPHEMY!" Jesus shot a bolt of fire at Neville, setting his desk on fire. "Naw, I'm just joshing. Just remember next time." He laughed as he extinguished the fire with a jet of ice. Jesus put his feet back on his desk again. He pointed and snapped his fingers at the class again.

"Now, let's get down to the straight dope. We all know the standard crap, and I don't want to repeat anything. These are troubled times we are in, and we need to discuss an urgent matter. A matter so urgent, I brought it here to school today." He pointed at a large box shrouded by cloth that was on his desk. "Anyone care to do the honors?" The class stared, not knowing what to do. "Alright, I'll do it." He pulled off the cover to reveal an incredibly attractive girl in the cage. She had an amazing face and chestnut brown eyes and silvery blond hair that rippled down like a magical stream of desire that radiated and entranced and…

"Hey, where's that voice coming from?" asked Dean Thomas. The voice was narrating all of the physical features of the girl.

"Ah, brilliant observational powers, my son. That voice you hear is coming from the creature itself. Anyone here know what it is?" asked Jesus as he did his pointy-snap thing yet again at the class. It reminded Harry of The Fonz.

"A Bogart, because Harry's gay and his worst enemy is the opposite sex?" asked Malfloy, Like in most Suefics, Malfloy tends to appear in classes out of place for no apparent reason in order to force him together with the intended character. At the same time he spits out immature insults, except it was different this time because the author was completely stumped when she tried to think of an insult to use other than 'mudblood'.

"Hey, screw you man!" yelled Harry in a style reminiscent of an American horror movie, except without going so far as to drop the F bomb because the author was 12 years old.

"Quiet down both of you! Come on, love thine enemies." Jesus said cooly.

"Wait a minute!" Malfloy shouted again. "I just realized where I am! I have a free period now, why am I in this class?" He was totally freaking out. "And why did the author just use American slang?" He totally freaked out some more.

Jesus smiled and said, "Ha, now we're getting somewhere! You're beginning to see the true power of this creature. But still nobody can name it? Come on, think of some of it's characteristics we've seen. Desire, beauty, narcissism…"

"Oh!" said Parvarti Patil. "A veela?"

"…the ability to teleport random characters to a completely OOC setting?", Jesus finished.

"Oh!" shouted Hermione. "Professor Christ, it's a Mary-Sue!"

Jesus grinned and snapped his fingers at the class again. "Yes, yes! That's so much better. Seven points to Gryffindor!" he paused. "Yep, Seven, 'cause I'm just awesome like that." He clicked his fingers again. _No way,_ thought Harry. _Even Fonzy doesn't click his fingers that much._

"Yes class, this is a picture-perfect example of a Mary-Sue. Now, Mary sues come in many varieties, but there are always easily identifiable characteristics that apply to most. What's another obvious one we haven't gone over yet?"

"Err…" said Neville. "Names?"

"Yes! Yes, yes, I knew you guys were smart. Indeed, the name is almost always a dead giveaway." He turned to the Mary-Sue in the cage, who was currently narrating about her raven black nails. "What's your name, dear?" he asked.

"Gazelle, professor Christ", she said timidly.

"Yes, Gazelle, that's a pretty common Sue name." Jesus picked up a scroll of parchment off of the stack on the desk, but it was stuck under the massive paperweight. He yanked at the parchment several times, but it didn't budge. Fed up, he picked up the large stone tablet above his head and threw it through the window.

"DAMN TEN COMMANDMENTS PAPERWEIGHT!", he yelled. The class stared at him, slightly frightened.

"Sorry." He said. "My dad got me this stupid paperweight for my birthday, all it does is get in my way. Anyway, we were discussing Sue names. Ah, let's see here" he said picking up the parchment. "I need my glasses. No wait, I don't, hah!" he pointed at his eyes. "The miracle of contacts." Jesus began to read off the list. "Sue names, here's a bunch, Destiny, Ebony, Chanel, Gazelle, Monelle, Romelle, Chantelle, Dontelle, Raven, Ravenblack, Esmerelda, Chezmerelda, Desmerelda, you get the general idea." He put the parchment back on the desk. Jesus continued.

"Mary-Sues also have hidden characteristics as well, powers if you will." He turned again to the caged Sue. "What's your specialty, sweetheart?" he asked.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" she screamed. All the glass in the room broke and thunder rolled in the distance and the sky turned red with rage and…

"Yeah, you get the idea there too." said Jesus. "Gazelle's power was just a general god power, anyone want to take a stab at why she took such offense when I called her sweetheart?"

Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes, you. Go ahead."

"It's because the author wrote her to have a ridiculously bad past. 'Sweetheart' was probably a term her dad used when she was beaten or abused otherwise. Pointlessly, of course."

"Well done!" said Jesus. "Another seven points. Let's see now, I think we've done well to cover defining characteristics, now we'll start to do self-defense against Mary-Sues…" Jesus was cut short by a knock at the door.

He opened the door, and it was Dumbledore, with an odd gleam in his eyes.

"Wait a minute", said Jesus. "You're dead, unless, oh no. Oh dear god no." Jesus looked behind him. There was a girl there with radiant raven black hair and radiant blue eyes that caught the light of all…

"I'd like to introduce a new American transfer student to this class", he said.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** My original intentions were to just leave this as a one-chapter ending with the cliffhanger story, but since the reviews were good, I might as well continue. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the last one!

* * *

Jesus didn't stop to listen to re-animated Dumbledore's introduction. "RUN!" he shouted at the class. He made a break out of the doorway, but froze in horror.

A dozen or so Mary-Sues were wandering about the hall, their vivid hair colors blinding all around them. Jesus rushed back into the classroom.

"Okay guys. We'll have to go through the window. Or better yet…" He pointed his fingers at the wall and blasted it away with his Jesus-powers. "Everyone jump!" he shouted. The class looked below at the fifty-foot drop. Jesus saw the predicament and conjured a ladder down out of the window. The class had just started to move down the ladder, when Dumbledore finished his introduction. The new girl stepped into the classroom and looked at Jesus.

"Where should I sit?" she asked.

Jesus froze and pointed an angry Jesus finger at the girl. "You! Wicked fiend! Reveal yourself!" There was a flash of light and the girl with raven black hair and radiant blue eyes changed form. She was nothing more than a frail middleschooler with dirty blonde hair, typing away at a laptop.

"Here!" he threw a large book at the unmasked Sue. She caught it.

"What's this?"

"It's a bootleg of the 7th Harry Potter Book!" said Jesus.

"Ooh, cool!" She opened the book, and a beam of light came out and sucked her in. The book fell to the floor.

"Silly Sues." Said Jesus. "Works every time." He jumped out of the window and landed on his feet in a really cool way, like Fonzy as if he was in the Matrix. He gathered the class.

"Now, stay close! We don't know how many Sues there are. Here, everyone take a few of these!" he took a stack of Harry Potter book 7 bootlegs out of his robes and began handing them out amongst the students. "These are traps, disguised as bootlegs of the 7th Harry Potter book. Just give it to a Sue and she'll fall for it. Any questions?"

"How does the trap work?" asked Hermione, intrigued.

"Ah, it's quite simple, really. You see, the book is enchanted with negative character energies, essentially, the energies generated from the flaws and problems of fictional characters. When the overtly positive energy of the Sue encounters the extreme opposite, a vacuum is created, sucking the Mary-Sue into a literary void, vanquishing them from our world forever." Jesus explained. "There's also a spell that will go away, just yell, _Suepefy! _That works as well."

Just then, a large crowd of Mary-Sues rushed into the breezeway where they stood. The group froze. One girl with firey red hair and shocking electric purple eyes and radiant skin was leading the group of Sues.

"Arzada, Evanasha, Nightshadia, you go around the right! Destiny, Celestiana, and Starella, you take the left side!" she commanded. The Sues rushed in formation as the group of students began hurling books like grenades. Many Sues stumbled upon them and fell for it. Others ran straight past. A girl with chestnut brown hair and brilliant silver eyes fell into Harry's arms.

"Hey." Said Harry to the incredibly attractive new girl. _Wait a minute, why am I talking? I'm not supposed to…_ but his train of thought was broken by the will of the Sue. He continued to speak to her. "Aren't you the girl from Canada who just transferred here?"

"Yeah" she giggled, flashing her sparkly colorful eyes at him(like omg). "Can you show me around?" she asked.

"I'd be happy to." Said Harry.

"Harry, NO!" Ron hurled a trap book at the Sue. It didn't hit her, because she had always had this weird power since she was little that let her subconsciously generate force fields around herself. She never really knew why….

"Oh for the love of god." Ron said. "Hey, fantasy girl! Quit narrating your powers and get over here!" he shouted.

The Sue showed no response. Ron continued to yell in vain and the Sue continued to flirt with Harry.

"Ron, that won't work!" shouted Jesus as he trapped a girl with bright blue hair named Setestalania. "They can't hear rationality! Use an overused insult from the book!"

"Alright." Said Ron. "Hey, er… "he pondered on an easy insult. "Hey, mudblood! Quit trying, quit trying to er… defile the proper wizard!" The insult worked. The Sue turned around, but the author was so caught up in the heat of the moment that she forgot to stay consistent with her eye color. HER EYES WENT RED WITH RAGE.

"What, what did you just call me?" she said coldy. Wait, cold? I thought her eyes were red…

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!"

Alright, chill.

"I said, catch!" Ron hurled the book at her. It opened and hit her in the face. The Sue screamed as light flashed and sucked her into literary Oblivion. Harry fell down, holding his head.

"Ow, what happened? I didn't mean to say any of that stuff. Friggin' Sues", he grumbled as Ron helped him back up.

Everyone tackled the Sues fairly easily, except for Neville, because even though it was year seven the Suethors insisted that he remain forgetful and naïve. The class got back together relatively unscathed.

"Well done.", said Jesus. "But that was just the first, of what I fear will be an army of Sues. You fought well, but stay vigilant. I fear…" Jesus was interrupted. The damage to the school reversed, and suddenly the class was back in their classroom.

"Don't worry", said Jesus as he got up from his chair. "Like I said, Sues can't grasp rationality, so expect things like that to happen as we continue our war against them." The door to the classroom opened suddenly, it was Professor McGonagall. She had the same odd gleam in her eyes that the undead Dumbledore had. Jesus was two steps ahead, and knew why she was here.

"When's the 'ball', Professor?" he asked with sarcasm.

"Oh, that's just what I came here to announce. Even though…" Jesus cut her off with a spell.

"_Suepefy!" _he said. A bolt of red light hit her and knocked her down.

"Oh my, I, how did I get here? I don't recall…" Jesus helped her up and explained.

"Professor, the school is under siege by an army of Mary-Sues."

"Mary-Sues? But we haven't had one of those since, wait, yes we have. All the time, now that I think about it."

"Yes, but this is particularly bad. They're attacking en masse, worse than we've ever seen before. I think this might be Lord Voldemort's doing."

"Very well then. Let us take arms and defend the school!" McGonagall raised her fist and shouted this, and she would like, totally not do that in the normal books.


	3. Chapter 3

**A\N**: On it goes! Thanks for the reviews.

By the way, if you haven't already read My Immortal (it's in my favorites), be sure to do so before reading ths chapter.

* * *

Jesus led the group out into the hall. The flow of Sues seemed to have subsided a little, but they had just as soon rounded a corner when a large obstruction appeared before them.

"Holy Me!" Jesus shouted. It was an enormous gateway, glowing red, and blue, and radiant silver, and fiery red, and electric purple, and raven black, (wtf, does black even 'glow'?).

"Hmm." He said looking at the gateway. "Of course! It all makes sense!"

"What makes sense, Professor Christ?", McGonnagle asked.

"Every thirty seconds, a new author creates a Mary-Sue. So many Sues have been created since the dawn of Fanfiction that their realm is beginning to reach a finite capacity. Thus, gateways like these from the Sueniverses of HP fandom have begun to open into our world."

"So what you're saying is, so many Sues have been created that their worlds have started to spill into ours?"

"Exactly. And there's only one way to stop it. We'll have to go through each gateway and close it from the inside. You know, like in Oblivion?"(Propz 2 Bethesda Softworks, k)

"Here. It's important to stick together. We'll all go through this portal first, then follow the subsequent ones. Any questions?"

"We're running low on Sue-Traps", Ron said. (liek, hey, ronz not sposed to be smart in fics k.)

"Ah, I forgot. Here's a few more." He handed over more Bootlegs. "Also, any good piece of literature with negative character energy will work." He began to produce more books. "Here you go, some copies of _Ulysses_, _Madam Bovary_, _The Book of Genesis_, _The Devil's Dictionary_, and _An Unabridged Biography of James Joyce_." The students took as many as they could carry.

"Now, let's go through!" The class ran through the portal, felt a brief swooping sensation, and ended up on the other side, which appeared to be identical to where they were to begin with.

"Did we go through?", Harry asked.

"Yes, most of the alternate Sueniverses are nearly carbon copies. To close the portal, we must defeat the master Sue that rules this realm."

"How do we find the Master Sue?", Hermione asked.

"Simple", Jesus stated. He turned to a passing student. "Excuse me, where can I find the new transfer student?" he winked.

"Oh, we haven't had any transfers to Hogwarts ever since Lord Voldemort was defeated by Harry Potter and Draco Malfloy's Twin Sisters at the age of five."

"Oh, so that's how it is", Jesus said, stroking his beard. "Well, where can we find their twin sisters?"

"They're playing Smartitch."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Smartitch. It's a sport that they invented, in which one must play quidditch and take a series of rigorous academic tests at the same time and they're like, totally the best at it!"

"I assumed so as much", Jesus said, matter-of-factly. "Well, let's proceed to the Smartitch Pitch!" They set off down the hall. "Smartitch", he chuckled to himself. "So American."

It took the group two whole hours to find the Smartitch pitch, because the author had gotten the structure of the school down so badly in her writing that the architecture of Hogwarts had been completely rearranged. They came upon the smartitch pitch, where they were all blinded by the reflection of radiant hair color."

"Agh!", Harry said as he covered his eyes. "What is that?"

A nearby student turned to him.

"Oh, you're just jealous because your sister, Eternity Potter, has brilliant white hair that's shinier than yours, and she's going lesbian with Chezmerelda Malfloy, and now Draco won't kiss you the way he used to."

Harry's pupils became distant specs.

"WHAT!"

"Uh oh!" Jesus said, witnessing the scene before him. "Better break out the heavy artillery!" He pulled out a large tubular gun and handed it to Ron.

"What's this?" Ron asked.

"It's a Canon Cannon, used in worse-case scenario AUs. It fixes Canon characters who have been defiled by the Sue's influence."

Ron blasted the kid Harry was talking to, who instantly turned back into his old self. He then proceeded to blast everyone on the pitch with the Canon Cannon, until only two people remained, Eternity Potter and Chezmerelda Malfoy.

Many students tried to hit the twin Sues with books, but their skills were so disproportionately mad that they were able to dodge around them. Finally, with a well placed shot, Ron slammed Chezmerelda in the face with a copy of Joyce's _Fennigan's Wake_. She vaporized on the spot.

"Suepify!", Ron yelled at Eternity. She screamed and exploded into a thousand tiny icy bluealfalfa yellow pieces.

"Excellent work!" Jesus said. "And look" He pointed towards the north end of the pitch where another portal of contradictory colors was opening.

"If we continue to follow the portals that overlap, we'll be able to destroy these Sueniverses in no time. Let's go, it won't be long before this one collapses!"

"Collapse?" Neville asked.

"Yes. Once the centrifuge of the plot has been destroyed, it's only a matter of time before the Sueniverse implodes on itself."

The class headed through the portal and walked onto a perfectly normal quidditch pitch, where the new Gryffindor Chaser, Desideria Aurorose, was scoring loads of points, (and dudez, lolz.)

The group took cover behind the stands and observed.

"This looks like a much milder Sueniverse. The author clearly had more sense than the last." Jesus said.

"Milder?" asked Hermione.

"Yes. As you can see, it's just a simple love story between this new chaser and Harry, and a bit fluffy at that."

When Gryffindor won (no wai!) they did not go to the Common room to party. They went to Hogsmeade instead.

"Okay, so she doesn't have that much sense." Jesus said, frowning. "All visits to Hogsmeade are schedueled, people don't go there on their own accord. It's obviously a plot point to get the Sue together with Harry or something."

"Want me to Canonize it?" Ron asked, cocking the Canon Cannon.

"No, let's follow them. We can trap her easily in the Three Broomsticks."

Sure enough, the Quidditch team went to the Three Broomsticks. Harry ran in and quickly hit the Sue in the face with a copy of Orwell's _The Road to Wigam Pier_. The class gathered around the next portal, which had opened on the streets of Hogsmeade.

When they passed through the portal, they arrived in a very unfamiliar setting. Hogsmeade, it seemed, was painted all black, and there was loud goffrock music blaring from up the street.

"Wow", Hermione said. "Where are we… AHH!"

A pale hand with black fingernails with pentagramz on them garbed Hemorrhoid on teh elbowz. Hermoroin terned around and sow that it wuz……… B'loody Mary!11

"OMG Y R U FUKIN PREPZ HEREZ?" The girl screamed.

"God help us", Jesus muttered. "We're in Tara's universe!"


End file.
